It’s (not) Just Hair
The day I returned home was September 27th, three days after Hayden’s first birthday, which I was very sad to have missed. We were going to do her little birthday party with her smash cake first thing but my head hurt so badly from all the hair still clinging to it. I never expected it would hurt so bad! My scalp actually ached from the hair hanging off of it. We went out back and Chris and Charlotte worked together to shave it off. The fact that it hurt so bad made it a welcome experience. It felt SO much better when it was all gone. I was glad Charlotte could be apart of it though. That made it a little less shocking for her. Charlotte seemed happy the whole time and even said it looked really good! I tried to stay happy too. Looking in the mirror after that was the toughest part. It was shocking every time from there on out. My eyebrows and eyelashes would be next. People say that it is “just hair” and it will grow back, which is true. However, it takes about 3 years to grow back to a normal length. Thinking about the timeline they had given me for my life, I assumed I would never really see my hair again (at the length I like it). This made it harder to get over. I thought I would never really see “me” again. This was now the “me” I would take to the grave. Perhaps the biggest debacle was when a lady came to my hospital room one day and said she could get me a free wig from the American Cancer Society. She asked me to see a picture of what my hair used to look like. I showed her several. She returned later with the most horrendous Karen wig I have ever seen. I was confused how she got that out of the pictures I showed her. The color I guess was similar but other than that, it shared no other resemblance to my old hair. I put it on and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, both reactions which would have been rude. So I politely thanked her and shoved it in my bag, never to be seen again (except to have a good laugh with my friends). I wore wigs out occasionally, but they were all extremely hot and most of them looked very fake. My girl KG hooked me up with the best wigs I have ever seen. It made me so happy to put them on and immediately feel like the old me. Part of the desire to wear a wig was not for vanity, but to not feel “sick.” Looking in the mirror and seeing what looked to be the old me made me feel more like the old me. Looking in the mirror and seeing a bald, frail, cancer patient made me feel like a bald, frail, cancer patient. On hot days, I would rock my bald head. Several times when bald in public, I was referred to as a man, which was not fun. I also got many stares with the bald head, especially when I was out with the kids. I could just feel everyone’s pity. Over time, I became more comfortable with it and didn’t really care to hide it as much. When it grew into a buzz cut, I was called a man some more and got many inquiries about my natural color (ha!) and when it was down to my ear, I was eager to get extensions. It looked like a mullet for a little bit because I insisted on getting them when my hair was still too short but they started to look a bit more natural after it grew out a bit more. My hairdresser really worked wonders for me and I will forever be grateful for her!